Let's get rid of those pews!

While corona virus has brought us some challenges, well rather the politicians enforcing these lockdowns have given us some challenges, there's also a lot of benefits that can be made in our commitment and re-commitment to tradition. One of those benefits is that at my own parish, we've vacated the main parish floor of chairs! Woo-hoo! There's some decent reasons to get rid of chairs and pews for good too. In the effort to stay six feet apart so that we don't end up six feet under, we could actually make this a permanent solution to a lot more problems too. Particularly in the spiritual life. While the spiritual life does not insist on remaining six feet apart so that we don't end up six feet under, it does tell us that a righteous man will fall down six times but make it back up seven times.

For starters, pews were rather unheard of in the ancient Church. They were unheard of in the Church at all until some goofy German came along in the 16th century and decided everyone else was reading their Bibles wrong but some how God had blessed him with the ability to interpret it most accurately! Like the Prophet Muhammad before him, he had finally gotten it all right! It was settled. "Time to build a new church. And also, why can't I sit on something comfortable, Helga? Here, let me move in some couches into this new church I built. Ah, much better. God doesn't want us to go through sufferings in this Earth, why must he make us suffer through up to an hour of a church service by forcing us to sit on this hard surface? The lack of furniture is indeed a blasphemy!" said the miserable, goofy German.

Then there was some weird English king who's like, "Wow! This goofy German just broke with the Church and he doesn't even have a military and he's alive! I like have a military to defend myself against the Papal Guards. Why don't I just take over full church governance in my own kingdom? Also, he's put couches in his church? I can one-up with some wooden benches with some nice, soft, cushiony pillows!" And so the weird English king walked away too.

A group of Calvinists gather at their
local Presbyterian Church to
worship goddess Ikea. Obvious puppets.

Then there was some French dude with a long beard who said, "No way! I can sit on something soft during church services?!? Adios, Papa Urbano!" And so the crusade of the Brotherhood of Couch Sitters began to leave the One, Holy, Chairless, and Apostolic Church one-by-one. And some counter-reformers said, "You know, maybe we should have added chairs. And some guitars. And some pop music. Definitely pop music! That will lead people back into the Church."

And so they did all this. And not a single soul was brought back to the One, Holy, Chairless, and Apostolic Church as a result. Nevertheless, they kept insisting that if we only added some lovely couches, people would most definitely come back to the Church. But the more the couches added, the less people became enthused to come back to the Church. The goddess Ikea of Sweden was clearly a better chair-maker than the Apostolic Church. She had been in business for several long years and the Church only for about 500 years had she been in business. It was clearly a losing battle.

My godfather attempts to entertain inquiring
Protestants as they fall asleep in the chairs.

The Protestants wasted no opportunities to let their new-found love for the goddess Ikea of Sweden go to waste. They gathered in mass numbers and listened to their pastors give the longest sermons known to man-kind. You thought 15 minutes was long? Wait until you hear their sermons! Some went on for 45 hours, others went on for days. One went on for a long week. They put some built-in cup-holders to good use during that sermon! The purpose of the sermon wasn't really to teach theology to the people. It was more-so to break in the new furniture. You could tell by the heads leisurely falling asleep during those intensely long sermons.

But then came the reign of the Emperor Covid XIX and he put an end to the worship of the goddess Ikea. The Emperor Covid XIX used his summoning powers to spread throughout all the world and forced everyone to remain six feet apart lest they go six feet under. Covid XIX wrapped chains around all the furniture that the goddess Ikea had set in every Church. Pews went into disuse as churches around the world re-opened and interest in the goddess Ikea dropped to record lows. But some churches knew better. They had already gotten rid of the pews. Now it was time to do away with the chairs. And stop using the sermon as an excuse to break in the furniture.

Pews are obviously a criminal offense to God.

So a return to the ancient customs of the church was already in progress and now it was time to realize the end goal of that return. Do away with the pews, provide space for more people to stand, and now we can have a return to the ancient customs! The idols of the goddess of Ikea are locked and barred. Nothing more than mere wood. Now to take an axe to them and turn them into rood screens!