"Crazy Church Lady"

There is a character that will probably show up in a lot of stories throughout the course of this blog. I am creating a profile of this character here for people to go to for future references. This character will be known as "Crazy Church Lady". "Church", in this sentence, functions as an adjective lest she be confused as a "Crazy Church Lady", as in a church with lady-like features where "Lady" would be the secondary post-adjective. Neither is "Crazy" the noun. It is obviously an adjective. "Lady" is the noun being modified by the two preceding adjectives. But it is important to point out that this Lady is not a "Church" but merely attends Church so regularly and that is what is meant by the fact that Crazy is a Church Lady. But her name is not Crazy, lest I mislead. Crazy is an adjective further modifying the Church Lady because she behaves in seemingly hap-hazard, crazy ways. Thus, she is a Crazy Church Lady.

She got this nickname back when I asked her how many chickens I was holding up with one hand. She squinted for a moment and then started saying answers like "7? 42? 300?" Frustrated with this, I proffered her a new pair of glasses that wasn't really new. It was my own. So she promptly took her glasses off and put mine on her face. I was just as about confused as she was. Every time somebody tells me that they are a little crazy, I tell them this story. Some people tell me they are very crazy. I resort to this story. You are no where near as crazy as the Crazy Church Lady. And let's not forget it's THE Crazy Church Lady lest we presume there are other Crazy Church Ladies to which THE Crazy Church Lady will correct you and say "thou shalt have none other Crazy Church Ladies before me".

Her husband was one of the first people I became well acquainted with at the parish when I moved from Arizona to Virginia. I'd been looking to inquire at different parishes. He seemed a sharp, reasonable fellow. I heard about some sort of mystical "wife" he had but my relation was severely under-developed as of this point. From what I've been able to gather, this is a very prominent, almost semi-royal family at the parish. I remember thinking, "My life sucks! I have no family attending church with me because they hate God." And this family was "Blah! Perfect!" No, seriously, it's difficult not to like this family. They are wonderful to the core. Any way, this mystical wife of his bumped into me on a few occasions here and there. Once, when I was talking with one of the Readers (now a Deacon), on another occasion when I was trying to look out the window and she went on and on about the Spring birds (umm...what's your name again?), and once when her youngest daughter bumped her head I decided to make an open suggestion that she start wearing a helmet. To my surprise, THE Crazy Church Lady actually found this a tad amusing.

One day, I see my friend talking with this Crazy Church Lady and mentioning the Crazy Church Lady's name and I remember asking, finally, "who is NAME?" "NAME is I!" says the Crazy Church Lady and my response was, "Oh, I had always been referring to you as THIS GUY'S WIFE." Hours later, Crazy Church Lady and I became good friends. Everyone says I am so blessed to have this family in my life. Back when I was working two jobs, I asked them both to pray for me and THE Crazy Church Lady tells me, "I have a list of my children and godchildren. I'll add you on the list with my godchildren. You'll be one of them." She would reaffirm this twice more before she served as a sponsor to my chrismation alongside her husband. So I tell THE Crazy Church Lady that I also alternatively refer to her as my godmother. "That's good, because I adopted you." And somehow I have become spiritually bound to the indisputably most loveliest couple at the parish. Of about 200 people total and I ended up with the most loveliest as my godparents. What are the odds? And I didn't even pick them! Seeing as my family doesn't worship God, this family will have to do. And as I said to THE Crazy Church Lady when I saw her oldest stepping out of the car the night I was chrismated, "And you brought your whole family!--My whole family!"