Finding God in the godless - Can God be found even in Hell?

In my younger years and especially when I went through a more anti-religious period in my life, I indulged quite a bit in a genre of music called black metal. Though there are a few bands that stand out like sore thumbs who expound on lyrical themes other than the mainstream, the vast majority of the genre is very heavily Satanic, Pagan, anti-Christian, or all three at once. I have always found the Pagan ethos admirable and still enjoy Pagan-themed lyrics. Though some of the Church Fathers would condemn exploring Pagan myths, others saw in them a way to work an anti-venom in order to cure wounds. There is in Paganism an ethos that I've been finding wanting in a "robot Christian" world. I'm not saying all Christians are like this, but I think the obsession with political power in Christendom and the fact that Christians are not used to real persecution in the Western world has made many Western Christians stagnant in the Faith.

So I had listened to a Grecian black metal several years ago called Rotting Christ. That was the name of the band. The name always came off blasphemous. What it is particularly unusual is that their lyrical themes actually express themes of Pagan mythology, Ancient Near East religious tradition, and various other things of the sort. It's hardly the anti-Christian focus of other black metal bands. If it weren't for their name, they would probably have a bigger following. It would be incredibly difficult to find any sense of holiness in their band's name, founded by two brothers from Greek. There was, famously, a photograph taken by Andres Serrano. It was called "Piss Christ" and it was a photograph of a Crucifix which was bathed in urine (or what looked like urine). A group of Catholics attacked the image back in 2011 as part of an anti-blasphemy campaign. But a British nun, Sister Wendy Beckett, famously defended the image as a reflection of what we've done to Christ. In fact, it seems that in this world, it is people who would attack the perceived blasphemy unquestioningly who make far worse Christians. What if the name "Rotting Christ" isn't so much of a blasphemy but a reflection on what culture has done to Christ in rejecting Him? This is very similar to the "God is dead" statement of Friedrich Nietzsche. It's not so much a statement of fact, but in context of man's sentiment to removing God from the picture. If God is ultimate Creator, then even nihilism must ultimately come from Him, regardless of whatever distortions in the philosophy there are.

The album I have started listening to again is called Kata Ton Daimona Eaytoy. This is an indirect reference to the trial of Socrates where he mentions that he has a "demon" (daimonion). In ancient Greek tradition, the word does not mean the same as it came to be in Christian tradition as referring to spiritual entities who had fallen into malice. Kata Ton Daimona Eaytoy means "Unleash Your Inner Demon". Speaking of the Socratic "demon" and not of the Christian understanding of demon. This is the equivalent of saying "unleash your inner spirit". Socrates was put to death for defying the authorities of his time and for teaching children philosophy that was opposed by the authorities. The later Christian Platonists invoked the authority of Plato and Socrates very often and Plato's influence is still seen in much orthodox Christian theology today. Though the statement can also have a much more rebellious statement. I think of the statement made by Jesus that the second greatest command is to love your neighbor as yourself and yet we speak of self-love as a sin because we fail to communicate that the love to your neighbor is a different kind of love than the self-love warned about. It's not that loving yourself is evil, because if you fail to do that, you cannot love your neighbor properly, but there are multiple words in other languages for love while English has the one word.

The first track on the album, "In Yumen Xibalba" is about the Mayan underworld and realm of the dead. It starts off dark, gloomy, and with a strong element of a doom metal riff that then transgresses to a power metal riff finally letting you know you've arrived at your destination. Though the underworld might not necessarily be a place you find God in, nor is getting attacked by the undead warriors and various animals seem like a place to find God in, the Prophet David says otherwise (Ps. 139:8). God is omnipresent. Even in the darkest areas. In fact the fast-tempo power metal riff seems to almost present a different mood from the first part of the song. Power metal's effect is to make the listener feel powerful in spite of overwhelming odds against his person. What could be more powerful than the knowledge that God is still present?

"P'unchaw kachun / Tuta kachun" is a Quechuan phrase that means "Let it be Day / Let it be Night". The focus on the song is about ancient cultures and cultic ritualistic practices. It's the sacred and the profane. Here we see a guarding of the sacredness. In Catholic tradition, there are certain ritualistic practices that should not be profaned. The Western world has lost a lot of its sense of the distinction between sacred and profane. Many disregard the holiness of the Lord's Body they receive in the Eucharist. While Catholic practices are not directly referenced by any means, there is in Paganism a much stronger sense of this sacred and profane distinction that most Catholics used to hold to but no longer. I actually mourn over this loss of spirit. "Grandis Spiritus Diabolis" is an inverted version of the "Our Father" directed to the Devil. This one makes me think of that part in The Last Battle by C.S. Lewis where a worshiper of Tash, the demon-god, is brought into Aslan's restored world in the end because all service that was done to Tash for honorable purposes was actually done to him. "Gilgames" also makes me reflect on the same thing. Especially their already established intuition for the distinction between sacred and profane lacking in many modern Christians.

"Cine iubeste si lasa" is a dark rendition of a Romanian proclamation against faithless lovers. "Cine iubeste si lasa / Dumnezeu sa-i dea pedeapsa" roughly means, "May God punish those who love and quit". It is a warning to never back away from a loving commitment and a calling to stay firm in one's commitment to love that which one places love in. In our world which is dominated by divorce, it is interesting to see this come up on an album involved in such an otherwise dark genre. "χξς" is mostly Biblical Apocalyptic references. "Ahura Mazda - Anjra Mainu" is a song about the Zoroastrian deities. Though there seems to be no doubt that Zoroastrianism inspired much of the Gnostic heresies, especially with concepts of ditheism, the theology of ancient Zoroastrianism has stark similarities to Christianity as well. Obviously, they aren't the same religions, but with concepts such as a battle between God and the created fallen angel (Christianity) or a good god against a bad god (Zoroastrianism) being a cosmic event and effecting the ongoing course of the material world, it shouldn't be any wonder that much of these concepts still exist in heretical forms of Christianity.

"Iwa Voodoo", "Rusalka", and "Welcome to Hel" are predominantly Pagan-themed. "Iwa Voodoo" is about the loa in the African Voodoo religion. "Rusalka" is a feminine spirit, associated with water, found in Slavic folklore, who is hostile to men and often times tries to lure them to their deaths. Much like a siren. "Welcome to Hel" is about the Scandinavian underworld (not to be confused with the Christian version of Hell). These showcase that the human individual, in various cultures, still possesses spirituality that has been endowed upon him by God from man's very creation.

Kata Ton Daimona Eaytoy is a musically strong, fast-tempo, dark, and lyrically heavy album focusing on differing ancient cultures. It starts with a Mayan underworld and finishes off with a Scandinavian underworld. While I wouldn't recommend Christians be listening to music such as this, I think that is clear that even in the darkness, God is still present. It's impossible for anyone to shut Him out, no matter how far they try to stray from Him. Especially with a melody like "Cine iubeste si lasa" in our world where we put adulterers in power and praise them as a standard to follow.

Looking for God in a godless world - Slipknot's All Hope is Gone (1)

Just the title All Hope is Gone sounds like there should only be despair and gloominess. And yet, there are several prophetic lines throughout this entire album. Indeed, perhaps the title of the album and being released in 2008 during the Obama Presidential campaign, is coincidental, but aren't coincidences God's way of remaining anonymous? There is much to be reflected on in the hope that is offered by man and the hope that is offered by God. As much of the album's theme is focused on criticism toward the State and societal decay, it seems that the hope that is gone is not the one that God offers, but the hope that the princes and the sons of men can ever hope to offer is gone. "Put not your trust in princes nor in the sons of men" (Ps. 146:3) is a line I often remind myself of and is one of the very many reasons I have been consistently libertarian in my political philosophy. Conformity and power will always lead to corruption of the good which is what many of the songs on this album discuss.

The album begins with the introductory instrumental ".execute." and then proceeds to "Gematria (The Killing Name)". With a lot of screaming, blast-beat drumming, and tremelo-picking throughout the album, you can gather extreme anger directed at societal decay. Gematria is a numerology that is rooted in ancient Judaism. It's what's referred to in the Book of Revelation when the number of the Beast is discussed. "Oh, this is so typical, apocalyptical". It then identifies America as the killing name. It doesn't feel or discriminate. "We'll burn your cities down" is a line often repeated. Before the main chorus, "What if God doesn't care?" is repeated twice. While there is an obvious reference to American foreign policy from neo-conservatism, there is also a very strong point to take the lyrical themes metaphorically. How politics corrupt and corrode religious ideals, turn things into apocalyptic references and make apocalyptic points about how voting for the "wrong" party leads to introducing all of us to the Antichrist. Etc. It gets tiresome for those living in this two-party State who have experienced oppression from both the major political parties.

"Sulfur" is another incredible track on the album. It reflects on feelings of guilt and shame, and that while life will be filled with suffering, it is to be acknowledged that "I'm not a failure but I know what it's like". Too often, repentance is conflated with the constant feeling of guilt and impending doom. But this attitude toward repentance can lead to what is called despair. It is hopelessness that there can be redemption. "Sulfur" is a song about perseverance.

Stay, you don't always know where you stand
'Til you know that you won't run away
There's something inside me that feels
Like breathing in sulfur

There is also another indirect jab at religious hypocrisy and judgmentalism. "And I'm a sinner to most but a sage to some / And my Gods are untrue". People's opinions about whether the God you worship is untrue or whether you're a sinner or a sage to some don't matter. The question is whether you've learned to stand faithfully and dismiss those views that people have of you. The only Judge Who ultimately matters in the end is God.

"Psychosocial", which immediately follows "Sulfur" is the song most relevant for today's world, especially with the happenings in Iran and the intensity of it all. There's too many themes in it. Sometimes, I find myself just thinking about the line, "The limits of the dead!" Exactly what this means is open for interpretation, but looking at the lyrical direction of the song, you see similarities to "Gematria (The Killing Name)". "I did my time, and I want out!" It's a feeling of a desperation, being crushed within a system that tries to deaden your soul. "Packaging subversion, pseudo-sacrosanct perversion" shows how our political leaders corrupt sacred ideals of freedom and religion and then pervert them for their own agendas, leading people blindly to accept that they are really fighting for righteousness and goodness when it's about their resources and power. "Go drill your deserts, go dig your graves / then fill your mouths with all the money you will save!" Our political rulers and their sheeple will often times to manipulate those who oppose wars that we overthrew a brutal dictator. In the end, the ruling class gets resources and the people often times just get a replacement puppet-dictator and the cycle continues. The chorus is done in clean vocals which gives a symbolic idea to the fact that we're still standing in light of this and we can still persevere.

And the rain will kill us all
We throw ourselves against the wall
But no one else can see
The preservation of the martyr in me

"There were cracks in the road we lay, but where the Temple fell, the secrets have gone mad!" is a reference to the corruption of religion by political leaders and the clinging to political power. This political manipulation of religion is prevalent today when I see people denouncing religious people for voting one way or the other as if acting like their vote for one party's candidate over another is an abandonment of their Faith. I think it's the people who embrace that mentality that actually end up abandoning their Faith in favor of political idolatry though. "Now there's only emptiness / venomous, insipid / I think we're done / I'm not the only one". How many of us have lost friends due to political differences? And we finally get to the most fun part of the song where we're all coming together to shout, "The limits of the dead!" It's a reflection of the martyrdom that we stand in from being oppressed into conformity with all of those trying to lead us into the societal decline. Those who refuse to go along with that decay are dead to the rest of the world but those who go along with the decay are also in a dead state as well. So what are our limits? Before the final chorus comes a full-fledged indictment against the ruling class - "Fake anti-fascist lie / I tried to tell you but / your purple hearts are giving out / can't stop a killing idea / if it's hunting season / is this what you want? / I'm not the only one!" Once again referencing how our political leaders will corrupt ideas of freedom to generate propaganda in order to get us thinking that we're actually fighting a war for a holy cause.

Honestly, this album is too good to leave a reflection off so I'm going to end up making this reflection a multi-part reflection. I will conclude for right now with "Psychosocial". 

Looking for God in a godless world - Avenged Sevenfold's City of Evil

I've been doing something drastically different this Lent. Most people I know generally punt things that they find to be "perverse", "banal", or "crude". Or they focus on "more spiritual reading". Or something else. But then Lent is over and they go back to their usual every day lives. But Lent should be about refocusing our spiritual perspective to focus on the Holy even beyond the season of Lent. So instead of giving things up, I've been doing something that many would find, on surface value, counter-productive to the focus of Lent. But in the long-run, probably more beneficial. Let's face it, we give up things like video games for Lent but then we'll come back to playing them right when Lent is over. Why? It's just going through the motions. Maybe it's the sacrifice of pleasure that justifies it? But that pleasure sacrifice is going to be substituted ultimately by something else. Sure, I miss meat, but that can be substituted with another pleasure. And then I'm going through motions.

This Lent, I wanted to do something that I'm ordinarily confronted with on a daily basis. That is seeming godlessness. We all feel like we live in a world that is subjected to Satan. It's a spiritual reality. Our Lord refers to the Devil as the "ruler of this world" (John 12:31). While we know his time is temporary and Our Lord's reign will be eternal, we see godlessness everywhere. But if God is omnipresent, even He is present in the godlessness. In 2005, the hardcore rock band Avenged Sevenfold released an album called City of Evil. I know many people who would look at the Death-Bat on the album cover, look at the genre of music, and the parental advisory label, as well as the title of the album, and state that there is no way this is of God. Yet many of the tracks on the album, listened to carefully, reveal quite the opposite.

What is the City of Evil that is described in the album? The album starts off with the song, "The Beast and the Harlot". "This shining city of built of gold / a far cry from innocence ... a City of Evil". The song is about the Great Harlot of Revelation and her destruction. She "makes us drink the poisoned wine to fornicating with our kings". This sets the tone for the entirety of the album. There is an oppressive condition to this City of Evil that detracts us from reality, leads us to drunkenness, advertises things as an escape. "Bat Country" explores the destructiveness of drug addiction and how things that are ugly are made to look attractive in this delusion to the point that we explore giving up our humanity, making a beast out of ourselves to get rid of the pain of being a man. "Burn it Down" is a metaphorical reference to burning down bridges after someone has betrayed you severely, forcing your own self to wonder if you can even put trust in anyone ever again. "Bat Country" and "Burn it Down" are the two tracks where God may be hardest to find, yet even in here, we see the basic human need to find connection, to be able to trust in something or someone, to escape from the Hell of pleasures that the City of Evil leads us to believe are good.

One of the most prophetic songs on the album is "Blinded in Chains". Though it is severely harsh, the overall message is how our politicians brainwash us and convince us to believe that their side is the truly right side, even manipulating religiosity to swing followers over to them. "As they thank the Lord the blind can't see! / Like a plague fed to the brain deadly disease!" It starts off lamenting that another war has already begun. Looking for the source of the problem, he points to the radical leaders first and foremost. But "as clowns you follow suit, behind the blood between the red and white and blue / ... 'cause it's in sight you take the left, I'll take the right / I feel the hate you've built for me". While the radical leaders are divisive, it's our fault for following them to begin with! The entire political manipulation of both extremes and "if they had it their way I'd burn in Hell / and your future's a f***ing disaster!" Why can't we escape? "I'd run away tonight with my mind still intact / I'm gonna make it alright / Easier said than done!" It's a "scared, seductive system" that we're absorbed into. But here's the most impressive part of the song:

Please help us, please save us
Of course they have control, we're all the same
Up on the cross
Crucified their problem, drove the nail and let Him rot
Family and friends
It won't matter in the end, I'm sure they'll understand

The political discord and manipulation of religion by our political parties is re-crucifying Christ. Though there are profanities in the song, it's hard not to see the presence of God directly in it. The City of Evil subjects us to mental blasphemies and brain-rot in thinking in terms of us vs. them or guarding our sacred institutions which are the exact opposite of sacred.

"The Wicked End" is another powerful track on the album about the extent of sin and depravity in the world. "Man's becoming more corrupt now, godless, wicked, and cruel / The soulless man stood silence, Mary's words rang so true". People are pointing to Christ's coming, people are falling into wickedness, there's deception, deceit, false Messiahs, etc. "The Wicked End" starts with the current state, goes back to the beginning, and shows the cycle that we are headed in as a society. With the overtly religious and Christian content of the lyrics, it is impossible not to see God in that song.

While there are a dozen songs on the album, the last one I want to touch on is "M.I.A." That one's really deep. The entire song is about the experiences of a soldier in war, doing nothing but carrying out duty, going through motions, and now questioning what he's done. "I shot a mother right in front of her son (Change this from my consciousness and please erase my dreams)". In all of this, he begins to wonder if he's truly on the right side or if he's just a tool for his country, being used as a weapon. "Fight for honor, fight for your life / pray to God that our side is right" - all he can do is pray that his side is the right one at this point as his patriotic duty has corroded his sight from right and wrong. He takes other soldiers' lives just so they don't take his. In all the carnage in war, he realizes that the battle between flesh and blood is not the battle that is most significant.

I walk the city lonely
Memories that haunt are passing by
A murderer walks your street tonight
Forgive me for my crimes, don't forget that I was so young
Fought so scared in the name of God and country

I think it's important to remember in the current state of our own seeming godlessness to remember that God is ever-present with us. We are constantly caught in a spiritual battle. That we reflect on our own inner actions isn't what makes us monsters, but what helps us to become more humane. The sacrament of confession is about our own inward reflection on ourselves. I find a lot of "Christian" music to be corny at times. I much prefer it when a secular band like Avenged Sevenfold can put together songs that derive meaning from their own individual experiences which allows us to see the Image of God in such artists.

Pro-life hypocrisy? Voting for pro-abortion politicians...

There is an overwhelming push by the Republican Party to make abortion, at least under certain forms, to be acceptable. The abortion issue is gradually becoming a less decisive factor now for many Republican politicians when it comes to courting religious voters. This is simply just a fact of modern political life. This means that for a pro-lifers to continue to vote, there are fewer and fewer pro-life candidates to choose from. Democrats who are pro-life tend to exist at very local levels. Though they do exist, most Democrat candidates do support abortion under the banner of "women's reproductive rights". What exactly is someone who is pro-life to do?

This question came up for me last week and there was heated reproach and argument and slander directed regarding the topic. I live in Virginia as some of you know and there was the Virginia Governor's race. I have been deeply concerned about the presentation of autism by the current Trump Administration and I desired to have a counter-party representation at some level of government in Virginia. I ended up voting a split-ticket where I voted for candidates belonging to both parties. At the top of that ticket was my vote for Governor-Elect Abigail Spanberger. I have strong approval for the outgoing Gov. Glenn Youngkin and I definitely did not see my vote being cast as a rejection of the Republican Party overall nor did I see my vote as a rejection of conservative ideology. Our now outgoing Delegate whom I voted to support the re-election of is strongly pro-life.

Nevertheless, my vote for Abigail Spanberger drew great ire from many people on social media who are very well of my pro-life stances and also are very well of my Catholicity. Some of them claimed that Spanberger's policy platform was abortion up to the point of birth. I honestly do not think that this is going to be pushed for in Virginia after what happened with Gov. Ralph Northam back in 2019, but I could be wrong as politicians are sinners. That said, Spanberger's public statements have indicated support for limitations on third trimester abortions and supports parental consent laws currently present in the state for minors seeking abortion. I certainly don't think her position is perfect, but I don't see anything in her platform that suggested anything of the sort of a pro-abortion up to the point of birth position.

One conservative man I follow even cracked a joke about Youngkin's current preparation for transition and stated that Spanberger hasn't even become governor yet and is already forcing people to transition. This is a reflection regarding her LGBTQ policies and how conservatives have presented Spanberger as being "ultra-left" on that position too. Where she stands on gender transitions for minors is no where indicated on her platform, though she has stated that she affirms handling issues on transgender involvement in sports and in bathrooms should be settled on individual bases. There is nothing in her platform that would universally put local communities at risk of harm from predators pretending to be women. To paint her as an extremist one way or the other is simply slander.

Is it possible she is disingenuous? Like all politicians, I think that many try and court two views, but Spanberger's platform is of a centrist-Democrat and not a hardliner on either point. But the more important question should be addressed as to whether it is pro-life hypocrisy to have voted for her to begin with. I have several points to address on this issue.

Catholics on social media often like to portray a vote for a candidate as being tantamount to supporting the whole of that candidate's positions and much in online Catholic sources support this as well. Shamefully, many Catholic priests seem hell-bent on holding people accountable not to vote for particular candidates one way or the other. I received spiritual guidance from three different priests on the issue and all spoke similar. The first priest told me that given two bad options, it is preferable to go with the lesser evil. Often times, the lesser evil is a subjective position. Winsome Earle-Sears, Spanberger's opponent, unfortunately pivoted on the issue of abortion making her, at best, a lesser evil...and in the greater context of Christian polity where multiple issues ought to be pursued, made voting for her against Spanberger to be less ideal. My godfather also pointed out that while for him, abortion is a decisive factor in who he votes for, there are circumstances where others may choose to take into account other issues. The Archimandrite also affirmed that there are a variety of other issues involved in Christian polity besides abortion and sometimes one just has to hold their nose and vote.

While it could be held that "not voting" is the "moral high ground", I've been spiritually advised in the past never to waste a vote by not voting. If it wasn't for that advice, from a man who grew up under the aftermath of Nazi Germany, I would hold that philosophy too. But I don't. And these are all sincere men who are strongly pro-life, actively engaged in the March for Life yearly, and one who refused to acknowledge Joe Biden's Catholicity over the abortion issue. These are not heterodox men but men who have a deeply orthodox track record whom I would put my trust in before a heartbeat.

Voting for a person, regardless of where they stand on issues, no matter how ungodly, is much different than voting for a policy since voting for a person requires that one put their trust in a human being who by nature is subjected to the effects of original sin. This is why voting for a person should not be seen as being tantamount to supporting the policies of that person. Voting for a person requires more investigation often and can end up leading to a much less informed electorate than voting for a policy. We elect representatives to govern us and under the principles of democracy, those elected officials are supposed to represent our best interests. While they can only represent the interests of a collective whole which is already varied to begin with, their duty is to represent the best interests of the public as possible.

I wanted a situation of balance where the dignity of autistic people are protected. This is also a very significant part of Christian polity. No human being is a demon, regardless of what sorts of evil they may find the winds taking them to favor. Human beings are all looking for God in the end and some do it while using very sinister means. That doesn't make them sinister in themselves. Politicians are exactly like this. There isn't a single politician who is unlike this. Democracy allows people to give input and feedback to their government via the voting process. It's not a perfect system nor is it a perfect or always accurate reflection of the values of the populace, but it is the system that we have been given to work under. Voting for one particular representative over another does not tie you to the wicked policies of that person unless your intent was to support whatever policies that would lead to these sinister positions. It does not make someone a hypocrite who supports these policies nor is it a mortal sin. Politicians are imperfect and both sides often support wicked things. As Christians, we have the duty to pray for all elected officials. So let us remember to pray for the Governor-Elect Abigail Spanberger and for all our civil magistrates, let us pray to the Lord!

Bones - autistic spectrum represented by the titular character

The television show Bones, known infamously for its macabre and somewhat grotesque discoveries of rotting corpses, skeletons, and murder mysteries, is actually one of the best shows, in my opinion, of representing someone on the autistic spectrum. While The Good Doctor openly declares its protagonist as an autistic person, there are some weaknesses in that portrayal. Particularly, what irritates me about The Good Doctor is the focus on a monotone voice which may relate to some on the autistic spectrum, but others on the autistic spectrum may not relate to it. Watching Bones again earlier this year, I realized many autistic traits in Dr. Temperance Brennan, and not just autistic traits, but traits that most autistic individuals can relate to having experienced at some point.

For instance, the show features her hyper-fixation on her special interest - anthropology. Dr. Temperance Brennan is a forensic anthropologist who studies the human remains and cultures of various different groups. So the show also focuses its murder mysteries on a variety of different cultures too. From Voodoo to Catholic to cannibals. In many episodes, a common phrase used by the main character is "Anthropologically speaking...". This shows her hyper-fixation in her interest in anthropology. Hyper-fixation is one common feature of autism.

Very often times, Brennan can be very literal and misunderstand certain things. Such as when a victim's ex-girlfriend talks about his interest in The Cure, she asks what the cure is for and Agent Booth has to inform her that she's talking about the band, not a cure for a disease. One of the many lines in the series is "I don't know what that means." Another example is after a character is shot and the intended victim was Booth, Booth makes it affirmative that he does not fault himself but only holds the sniper accountable. Brennan tells him that he still has blood on his hands. To have blood on one's hands is a common idiom that expresses blood-guilt, but Brennan means it literally - Booth actually has the victim's blood on his hands from trying to save the victim's life by applying pressure to the wound.

There's many instances where Dr. Brennan's comments, which can be referred to as examples of brutal honesty, come across to many characters as abrasive and lacking empathy. In her relationship with her partner at the FBI, Special Agent Seeley Booth, she comments about this quite a bit. Booth always makes it clear that she has her own approach to things. One of her interns refers to her as "abrasive". Autistic people tend to be portrayed as lacking empathy, but the reality is a lot more fuzzy. Often, what is deemed as lacking empathy by neurotypicals, to an autistic person, can be a trait of needed honesty when there is none present. Dr. Brennan calls things much more as she sees them.

She also finds security in predictability and routine. While it may not be noticeable at first, it becomes obvious whenever Booth has to step away from partnering with her on a criminal case. Whether it's because he has to be psychologically evaluated, or because he's a suspect, or because he's been called to focus on some administrative duty, she always expresses discomfort regarding the idea that she may not be working with him on the case. This is an example of a needed routine to provide security to an autistic person.

While Dr. Temperance Brennan is never formally diagnosed with autism in the show, there are overwhelming instances of a display of autistic symptoms that are common in both the high-functioning and low-functioning degrees of the spectrum that seem to indicate that she is at the high-functioning end of the spectrum. Autism is a hidden disability. No one looks autistic. But to an autistic person, the traits are visible in how they present themselves. I would say that Bones accomplishes a wonderful presentation of someone on the autistic spectrum even though the character is never formally diagnosed in the show as being on the spectrum. As being on the autistic spectrum myself, there are many instances where I find myself relating to her. 

Confusion...

He stepped out into the world for the first time it seemed. It was a world he barely recognized. He smelled the air of the hot dog stand and the mustard as people munched on the wieners smacking sloppy ketchup-filled lips. He heard the screeching honks of the horns and the angry drivers cursing. He wasn't sure if this was a safe place but it beat his apartment where his neighbors would talk about him behind his back.

He waited patiently to cross the street, waiting for the walkman to turn white. He'd been down here many times but he still seemed a stranger to most of these people. They barely talked to him. To them, he was strange. To him, they were just mean. They seemed to talk in code all the time. He wished he could know what it was they were saying but they weren't very clear in what they meant. "It's uncanny valley territory today." What? Why say that when he'd been down this path before.

He proceeded on his way to the market. He needed bread, peanut butter, deli meat, and a few other things. He always preferred to make his sandwiches. They were an easy meal. They required little preparation. They were always easy to make and he could make so many of them at once. He felt like a master chef when he made his favorite grilled cheese sandwiches, always searching for the best ways to make the perfect cheese melt.

The noises today were getting to him though. People shouting. People shoving. Crowds blocking areas all throughout the supermarket. More people talking to him. Using the same coded language. "Cat got your tongue?" Do you see a cat here? A manager with a stern face came up to him and told him to leave. Why? I've been shopping here for years! This has to be a joke! The manager said he had glanced over at a woman making her feel uncomfortable. She doesn't look uncomfortable. He could see her wavering face, but he never learned of body language. That was more code to him. He'd been told he had difficulties with that in the past, but whenever given an example, he would try to make out what it meant and would never be told. To him, it meant that people didn't think it was important.

"Screw you!" he yelled at the manager. "I've been coming here for years! If you think she's uncomfortable, she could have told me that! Besides, I may have glanced awkwardly at her in one of the aisles but never meant anything by it! I can see perfectly. She never told me she was uncomfortable so if she told you, then she's frankly making up crap!"

He'd been used to it before. Accused of stalking women because of awkward interactions. Made to leave places because of confused interactions. He'd had enough of it. He was not going to lose anymore ground. Especially this supermarket that had been his territory for years. He hurriedly wandered away from the manager to avoid the false imprisonment that would come like it had so many times before. He obtained most of his intended groceries, rushed through the self-checkout, and ran home.

Same old at home. Neighbors leering at him, talking about him, he knew. Talking in code. They always did. Utter rubbish. They were trash. Finally, in the comfort of his apartment he could be. Another resentful day where he could never understand people. Why were they so mean to him?

Why I find tests like Myers-Briggs and the PI frustrating as a neurodivergent person...

We all have probably taken the Myers-Briggs or the PI at least once. If you're in the workforce or have applied for a job, you most certainly have taken the PI or a form of the PI. You may not have gotten your test results back because it's primarily for your employer to look at and evaluate to test where you may best belong, but that's irrelevant. Most people have probably at least heard of the Myers-Briggs and seen initials like IFNJ or something like that at least once. A conversation a few weeks ago made me really frustrated. I remember a while back, people talking about it and getting emotionally frustrated with the situation because I don't really know my own Myers-Briggs. I have tried to take it a few times and it's come up slightly different each time. Usually, it comes up introverted, but at least once, recently, it came up extroverted.

I wanted to delve into why that is. And I think one thing that is very difficult for a neurodivergent person about such tests is it puts our brains into a systematized box which is something that isn't actually helpful for us. By asking us about adjectives people would use to describe us, we may not necessarily think in terms of restricting these types of people usually whereas a neurotypical person might restrict the types of people. Or even if it's adjectives we would use to describe ourselves, our brains are not wired in such ways. I'm autistic so communication is not one of my specialties. For neurotypical people, communication works very well. I've had job coaches in the past who have helped me with the PI part of an application explaining what the test is actually "looking" for. It still doesn't make sense.

Let me just give an example of a typical question that a neurotypical person might be able to systematize but a neurodivergent person may not. "Do you get along well with others?" This type of question makes for an easy yes or no response from a neurotypical person. They can assess themselves and say "Yes I do!" or "No, I prefer to hang out by myself." For myself, as an autistic person, the answer isn't easy. Sometimes it might be a strong agreement because I enjoy being with other people and having quality conversations. But other times, I worry about what I may or may not say wrong. Or if someone says something facetious that I don't understand. Or I misread "body language". All of these things could happen. And so I might lean toward the strongly disagree position. And it wouldn't matter whether I'm extroverted or introverted, the test comes up wayward in both directions.

Sometimes I prefer to work on a team. It relaxes pressure during those moments. But then teammates can start bickering and the social interaction becomes overwhelming. All of these things imbalance neurodivergent people far more than they cause imbalance or distress to a neurotypical person. And it causes misreadings of more than just social interactions. Exactly how much to "mask" my neurodivergence is another difficulty I have. It can be frustrating.

As an autistic person, I also like to find an answer that's a solid "yes" or "no" but these tests also don't usually come with a solid "yes" or "no". Like in being asked adjectives people use to describe me, I may factor in what enemies have said which can be very unkind things. "Smart-alac" would be one word. "Sassy" is a word that's been used to describe me. But so have words such as "reliable" and "meticulous". It's a frustrating experience filtering out words and knowing what adjectives are best used. These are just some examples. Overall, I think there is a deeper problem.

For neurotypical people, mood swings are more natural and detectable and intrusive thoughts don't hit as hard as their brains are able to systematize things better. Neurodivergent people have much greater challenges. Our brains are not wired into a system. It can be a tangled mess. A fuse can blow at just about anytime. It doesn't mean we're something to be fearful of, it just means our brains are not in the alignment of a neurotypical assumption and these tests assume a neurotypical mindset. This makes these tests problematic. I can be an extrovert at times, but when I get overwhelmed, I want to go into a corner and become an introvert and only care about cats. For a neurotypical person, they know whether they are extroverted or introverted or whether they'll be able to deal with people or not. That doesn't come easily for a neurodivergent people. It feels like the wires in my brain are flickering and dancing, scrambled, jumbled, etc. These tests frustrate me...I wish I could belong in a more systematized structure, but I think a puzzle piece definitely more accurately describes my situation.