Love, forgiveness, and reconciliation

I've been slowly reading through Eleonore Stump's massive book, Wandering Through Darkness. Recently, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. Not so much a significant other as it was with a friend who I thought I might have been in love with at one point. She was incredibly toxic, dismissive of my emotions, and declared me manipulative for trying to communicate with her when I was being stonewalled. I've been told by numerous people that the behavior on her end was far more consistent with gaslighting and projection, that it was not Christlike behavior that was shown toward me, and that I need to stay away from her. I was struggling with whether permanently staying away from her was consistent with forgiveness so I asked a priest who explained that forgiveness does not mean that we cannot set up reasonable boundaries. In such a case where you are dealing with emotional abuse and the other refuses to even self-reflect, it's necessary to abandon the cause.

Reading through Stump's fifth chapter of Wandering Through Darkness, which is introducing concepts to the core of her main argument, she addresses the question of love, forgiveness, and reconciliation through the perspective of Thomistic moral theology. Stump is Thomistic and Augustinian in her theology and has written much addressing concepts in both Thomistic and Augustinian theology. Starting with the core essence of love in Thomism, love is about the desiring of the good of another. That other may not necessarily desire the good for themselves. So when people were telling me that the friendship was toxic, they were acting in love toward me. They desire the good for me. That which is healthy and no emotionally draining. And emotionally abusive relationship, whether it's with parents or with children or with friends or with a significant other, can have real harm on the psyche of the person being abused.

Part of forgiveness though is a desire for reconciliation. But there remains a question as to whether reconciliation is possible or not. Stump addresses this. Reconciliation is the goal of forgiveness under normal circumstances. We may look toward the Parable of the Loving Father where the Father anxiously awaits the return of his son who squandered his entire inheritance. But what if there is a situation where that reconciliation is not possible? What if there is a situation more akin to Pharaoh, who despite all of the plagues and punishments, refuses to repent for his heart has become hardened. We can still forgive someone who is like that. If there is ample reason to doubt that a person's repentance is sincere or genuine, or if the person refuses to repent or seek reconciliation, then we may need to establish healthy boundaries. In the case of Pharaoh, that boundary was determined by his watery grave in the Red Sea.

In the case of an abusive situation on social media or in real life, that may include blocking or filing a restraining order with the other. Often, it is impossible to tell the real reasons why someone has chosen to be emotionally manipulative or abusive. It is impossible to determine whether that someone is sincere. And when there is no self-reflection, or there is constant accusations made by that person against you, the only thing you can do is walk away from the situation. If someone tells you one thing and does another and makes it seem like you are the one being paranoid for wondering why this is happening, that person is not a healthy person to be around or near. I've been around many people like that.

But this goes to the key point that Stump addresses. Reconciliation may not always be possible when it comes to forgiveness. In such situations, only the desire for reconciliation can be maintained. It'd be one thing if I wanted my abuser to stay an abuser, because then I would not be desiring the good for her. It's a much different thing if I acknowledge that reconciliation with my abuser is not possible at the moment because there is no sign that the manipulative behavior has changed. I can walk away from that person comfortably, knowing that I have not failed to forgive them. I desire reconciliation with that person, I just don't know if reconciliation will ever be possible with that person.