I haven't been here in a while

I have not been posting here in a while. I took a break from blogging here, because, truthfully, I wanted to try things out as a different person. That did not go well at all. I wanted to hide myself away from past mistakes. But that does not work at all. I cannot hide from that past or from that filth. I can only pray that people love me and will forgive me for whatever sins and failures I have committed. You may have heard of someone called "Autistic Catholic". That was me. That was my moniker. That is who I am now. I am no longer "newenglandsun". But "Autistic Catholic" has the same exact character flaws as "newenglandsun" did. Only that "Autistic Catholic" was able to get the things that "newenglandsun" didn't get. And getting those things that "newenglandsun" didn't get turned "Autistic Catholic" into a monster.

I have found more emotional abuse in the past year and a half getting the things that "newenglandsun" didn't get than emotionally worthwhile friends. That might be only partially true. I found some very decent friends as Autistic Catholic and made friends that I might not have had if I wasn't. And I think I have found very good and decent friends as Autistic Catholic that I could have also found as newenglandsun if I had genuinely wanted to. And the people who didn't want to be friends with newenglandsun to begin with were probably the ones who eventually turned on Autistic Catholic anyway. It was an interesting experiment for about one and a half years actually allowing myself to admit that I was autistic.

I found that Catholics on social media really like the idea of an autistic person speaking on behalf of the Faith. What they don't like is when that person begins to show more and more character traits associated with autism. I learned a lot of Catholics on social media claim to be empathetic toward autistic people, but turn their backs when character traits associated with autism become more obvious. There is a mixture of welcome and a mixture of hostility toward the autistic community. Spiritual warfare is not seen as a cause by some of these people as a source of problems for autistic people online, but only the exclusively autistic problems. If an autistic person is attacked for being autistic, many of these Catholics will attempt to instruct an autistic person defending that person's dignity as being "Woke" or "playing victim".

I think a lot of this has to do with the failure of Catholic culture on social media in general. I've encountered hostility on Facebook, Instagram, X, etc. Catholic culture on social media should not be seen as representative of the Church. There is a statement made by St. John Henry Cardinal Newman about how the Barque of St. Peter is a truly magnificent ship if you refrain from entering into the boiler room. Too many online Catholics want to step into the boiler room. One of the most recurrent problems in Catholic culture today is a mass of bishops who want to lead their sheep directly into the boiler room. Whether they are disobedient liberals who reject Church Teaching or are the "Rad-Trad" pastors who are relentlessly lamenting about how the Church is persecuting them.

I've been called a hypocrite by Catholics on social media many a times. I've been called a hypocrite once by a woman who claimed she would promote each of my blog posts (she never did because she was a liar). I might very well be a hypocrite. I have to get the plank out of my own eye before getting the speck of sawdust out of my neighbor's eye. The thing is that many sins I've committed have been done directly in my interactions on social media and my brethren there have never given me a chance to display my fruits. I have complained about the double-standards. If I were to block someone on X, I'd be accused by Catholics of "holding a grudge". A person who blocks me is "defining boundaries". Of course, I've felt constantly held to the position of being the one who figures out what those boundaries actually are, rather than them clearly being defined. That was my latest negative interaction on X.

It's always the same scenario. I was once told I was being bullied by a woman by another woman who said that she would block the woman who was bullying me. That woman never did that. She went on continuing being mutuals with the other woman until I finally challenged her trustworthiness and brought up that statement. I was blocked. The woman currently has a backup account and where she mutually follows the woman she said she would block and who was "not a good person". She claims what she did to me was "merciful". It was anything but. It's an expected demand that I be a mind-reader in social interactions. That woman knew and understood autism but apparently did not understand that if definable boundaries are not set, I'm not going to have a clue if I'm expected to be a mind-reader.

There were too many interactions like that. I quit. My mental health improved. Honestly, I don't think I will ever go back. One of my dear friends on X though is @fifth_wife (Katherine Howard). She has been a faithful friend almost since the beginning of my tenure on X, even when she thought I was a girl. I have never seen anything from her that has not been unwholesome. I have told her that if she ever converts to Catholicism, I want her to be my goddaughter. I'm referring to people who are exclusively on X though. Not people who I still communicate with via another media form.

I've been looking at my stats here and I might try and blog here more often seeing as people are apparently still viewing this website, even in my absence. I don't recall ever getting that much traffic while...not blogging!

The distortion of reality

I mentioned in my last post that there is a distorted reality that often overcomes me from my depression. What is the first distortion of reality? The spiritual and the mental often times overlap because the psyche is the soul. Psyche which is the root of the words "psychiatry" and "psychology" is a Greek word that refers to the soul. The Hebrews called this the lev. The word lev refers to the heart. While the lev is a part of the nephesh and the neshema, the latter two are found in other animals but the lev is unique to the human being. It gives the human being a rational thought and an inclination for the Divine that is lacking in the animal nature. Man alone was created in the image of God. While all of creation testifies of the ability of God and praises Him in some way or form and they will partake in the redemption of the New Creation, Man alone is made for a Divine Communion with God. Man alone has an inheritance to partake in the Divine Nature.

When Man was created in the Garden of Eden, he was created to dwell in perfection and immortality. God had gifted Man with His own perfect likeness. They could eat of all the fruit in the Garden save for the one that grew from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. The serpent slithered along its belly and told the woman that the reason why God had told them not to eat of that tree was because Man would become exactly like God. This was not what God taught them nor was it what the Church teaches. God had already made Man in His own likeness. There was no benefit from eating the tree in becoming like God because Man was already like God! But the serpent insisted that Man was not like God, that they needed the tree to become like God. The serpent had already begun distorting reality by denying that Man was created in the image of God.

From the first sin onward, Man threw his entire relationship with God into discontinuity and distortion. Creation became disordered and suffers until its final redemption. Yes, creation shall be redeemed when the world is made anew (Rom. 8:19-23). When Man is brought back into harmony with his Creator, so will creation be brought back into harmony. The consequences of the first sin, the acceptance of a distorted reality that never was, threw creation and Man into a drastic imbalance. We see this imbalance at play in the mental health impact upon the world. Because the psyche is the one aspect of Man that is so directly and intimately connected to God, the imbalance caused by the first sin is shown forth in the negative impact of mental health. This is why Man experiences things such as boredom, depression, anxiety, anger. We are impacted by our ancestors' first sin and thrown into confusion and imbalance, the despair of being severed from the communion with our Creator which is what was intended from the beginning.

Striving to reconnect with our Creator, we go about with all these different sorts of distorted realities, influenced by the lie of the serpent, thinking we can reach Him entirely of our own willpower and volition. But we need Him to free us and free us He does for His offer of grace is free to us. We are already intimately connected to Him because we possess the image and likeness of God but we are severed from Him by our participation in and acceptance of a distortion and a lie. We are thrown into confusion by the Devil's forked snake-tongue. We give into the unreality. Our hearts know that it is True what He offers to us but our weakened psyche often times forces us into accepting this distorted reality, giving into the passions of the flesh, because we are both spiritual and physical beings, meant for communion with God, but bound to accept the adversities of the flesh. As St. Paul himself states, "the evil that I do not want is what I do" (Rom. 7:19).

This entire fleshly life is a trial for the psyche. It is not that the flesh is not a good, for the flesh is an earthly vessel for the psyche and it is the Temple that God intended to House the psyche in. But the flesh has suffered from the corruption of the Fall. It is bound to death and destruction, crying out to its Creator to be resurrected back to Life in glory and there is the Hope of the Resurrection (1 Cor. 15:42-49). We are not bound to sufferings, but we are bound to trials and adversities. We live in a distortion of the image of God, but we live in the hope that the image of God will be restored in immortality for Christ Himself was raised from the dead to prove this! As I mentioned in my first post in this series, when experiencing an episode of depression, I find myself in a distorted reality. The sun may be shining but the motivation to do anything is gone, non-existent, and it seems to be raining all around. The sin that has bound Man to this distortion of his spirit and flesh is based on a distortion of reality. A denial that Man was made in the image of God and the promotion of the lie that something other than God could give this gift to Man. Man turned himself over to Satan in the Garden of Eden. Man turned himself over to a liar. And from this, we live in the consequences until we participate in the ultimate healing in the Resurrection of Our Lord.

The rain fell and the sun was shining

He was lying in the bed as the rain came down all around outside. He wanted to go for a run and as he walked to the door, the sun was shining. As he reached the door, the water fell from the sky all around, the grey clouds dominated the sun, taking over in their battle for the sky. The sun was shining bright outside but he could not go because it was pouring wet with rain. It was too dark, too damp, too wet. How could he find motivation for anything? For life? He wanted to sulk back into the cocoon, seeping deep underneath the covers of his blanket. It felt as if something heavy was crushing him. He could barely breathe. He curled up into fetal position and began to scream for help, wondering if this time, he would be heard.

This had been his entire adult life from the graduation of high school all throughout university and beyond. But it had really increased during university. There were things his heart wanted to believe but his brain would not let him. There was a beautiful reality but his mind did not want to accept. While the sun was shining, his mind insisted that the sky was playing tricks on him. It was really raining. What is this depression we are thrown into consistently? Why do some people have to go through a literal Hell on Earth? He took out the razors again, wondering if the physical pain would diminish the interior pain. Or perhaps someone would notice and take pity on him. He wanted someone in his life. He was alone. Someone he could just rest his head on for a change. Where could he find someone like that?

He had been locked in an unreality for so long. Forced onto social media to find friends because he couldn't cling to anyone in real life. After high school, his old friends dispersed. Most of them just remembered him as that quirky weird guy who told conspiracy theories about the Catholic Church or that guy who had all these different outbursts. How would anyone recognize him as the convert he was now? Even if he could reconnect with them, they'd be in disbelief at who he was at least attempting to become. They would consider him out of his mind. He didn't really talk to anyone at church. He tried, but most people were going about their lives. Such are things in the deep suburbs. If it isn't work, it's sleeping from exhaustion. People connect with people who are closer to them in physical difference, no one wants to drive out an hour's length to connect with someone it seems.

Of course, even the people on social media aren't enough. Even they could not withstand his outbursts. Blocked, unfriended, unfollowed by mutuals. Was there ever any hope of retaining any such friendships both real or in the online world? Probably not. We don't always see what's behind someone's sufferings. We assume everything is great, everything is perfect. Perhaps she can shed some light on all of the brokenness hidden behind. There she is, perfect and beautiful. She is the most beautiful soul he has ever met. Perhaps if the Theotokos hadn't overtaken her before, she would have been the most beautiful woman who ever walked the earth. She gives him a shoulder to rest his head on. She smiles at him and listens to him. She cares about him and her own children. She looks at him as one of her own children. And yet deep down, even she is fighting a battle.

People are not perfect, despite their outward experiences. They wrestle with dragons that are far more terrible than the myths and legends of the romance world. These dragons try to pry their lives from them. How is it that the richest nations can experience so many psychologically and clinically depressed people? We can provide, we have jobs, but there is something missing from our lives. Like an incomplete puzzle, missing a piece. Children are starving across the world, being forced into grueling labors against their wills, but depression hits at the richest of nations. Because in spite of our wealth, we have chosen to feign relationships across. We have refused to accept our fleshly kin. We have our friends in real life but we have forgotten to talk to them in anything other than, "LOL", "TTYL", "ROTFL", "TBH", "IMO", and several other choice smiley face emojis. We have been programmed for the age of electronic communication and deceived into thinking that reality has been usurped. But our friends are right before our eyes. Someone cares deeply for us as a son, someone cares deeply for us as a mother, someone cares deeply for us as a father.

The sun is shining...but the rain continues to fall. But the sun is shining so the rain must not be real.