My journey to the church...

That lady the other day was mentioning how perhaps reflecting on how I came into the church would help to restore my faith. The problem is that my journey to the church has been a spiritual struggle in and of itself. When I look at it, there are moments of pain, trials of seeing the brutal hypocrisy right in my face, lies that I've received and had been told, and a lot of legalistic rubbish I've had to deal with.

Before the COVID-19 pandemic forced us out of our parish, the protodeacon had been giving a series of weekly lectures on Lent and how it was used as a preparation for catechumens to be brought into the church through baptism. We have a catechumanate at our parish. There are many places that have a catechumenate. The problem is, I was set up with a faulty situation at a Ukrainian Catholic parish for a while. The catechist who was appointed for me didn't teach me very well. He didn't know what to teach me, he didn't know what I needed to learn, he didn't know what I needed to be taught. I came to the church knowing what it was about already. I had been an Anglo-Catholic prior. I had learned from Ruthenian Catholics. I had become a strong ally with Traditionalist Catholics. So the catechist that was appointed to me was rather poor.

And then the priest was rather stubborn about my conversion process. In fact, had I not submitted to the Melkites, I probably wouldn't be a Catholic right now. Every time the catechist had wondered why I was not received into the church yet, the priest came up with some sort of legalistic excuse for why I could not be received. One day, he even declared the he had decided I could convert. That should have been the tip-off that this priest was not interested.

It took me a while to actualize what was going on. When Crazy Church Lady started declaring me to be her godson, I first shrugged my shoulders and said to myself, I guess that's the case. I didn't even realize my relationship with her was a spiritual one. The catechist at the Ukrainian parish wasn't my catechist indeed. She had assumed that role without my even realizing it. She assumed that role the first time we conversed. That was a conversation about my entire religious upbringing as a non-denominational in a mega-church with loud music blasting constantly and always hating the loud music. It was overwhelming for me. All the way through to my attending the Anglican mission back in Arizona when I first encountered God as the man handed me the 1928 BCP.

I had come there after a fallout with an overly ambitious Ruthenian Greek Catholic priest. He was more anti-Protestant than Catholic. I had also ended up in an area of the blogosphere run by a sincerely devout Anglo-Catholic lady at the time. She is no longer devout, I fear. But her influence led me to consider High Anglicanism. It was at this Anglican mission that I first encountered God. I inquired a bit, asked their archdeacon some questions, then I would meet their rector. I had always been told Christianity was an encounter with God. I never met someone who had actually believed it. I was getting exhausted with the hypocrisy and all the catechetical classes but their rector asked me one day why I wasn't receiving the Eucharist. I told him I hadn't been baptized. That was it. The next thing he wanted to do was baptize me. The Ruthenians would have done it but the fallout with the priest was still strong. I maintained relations with their deacon who I consider still to be my spiritual director. The anti-Protestant mentality was very steeped at that parish though but the deacon there knew a lot better and was leading that pastor away from the anti-Protestant mentality he had developed from his own fundamentalist upbringing.

Coming into the Catholic Church, for me, was a matter of ups, downs, and turn-offs. So much information it seems that people and catechists wanted to torture you with. "Isn't it just Christianity?" is something I found myself asking a lot. I feel that there's an Eastern rite mentality that because there's so much steeped into American and Western European society about Western rite Christianity that the Eastern rites are somehow some sort of highly advanced mystical form of Christianity. But then why do they insist that their version of Christianity is an encounter with God any way? And it's not like I didn't have past experience. I've read much Orthodox literature. Much Catholic mysticism. I've read enough to know that it's a highly advanced special Christianity. It's just Christianity, not much different than the Tridentine faith. A purer form of liturgical worship though as the East is known to resist change much stronger than the West.

It was blatant hypocrisy. Dump the information on me but insist that the religion is an encounter with God. Where exactly was the encounter? I was starving for that encounter. Waiting for that encounter to come. And all I got nailed with was more information. This isn't an encounter. I was ready to leave. If it wasn't for Crazy Church Lady giving me her entire family, I would have left entirely. The thing I needed to learn still was God is Love. But when you've never seen love displayed, it's hard to learn that. My "catechist" never could get that because he was steeped into the intellectual side of things. But my catechist, Crazy Church Lady, not only knew that but knew how to teach me it. Not with words either because they get in the way. And the Archimandrite, upon hearing my story from the deacon, wanted to receive me into the church immediately. But Crazy Church Lady and her husband had just gone to pick up their oldest from work. So I told him to wait on this for them. My chrismation wasn't a very public event. I can't even remember everyone present. I know one of the deacons was there, I remember seeing another subdeacon, I can't remember who else.

And yet for some reason, the Ukrainian priest refused to commune me. Even though my Melkite parish let me go there for divine liturgy, the Ukrainian priest had revealed himself as becoming quite stubborn with my conversion. I haven't gone back there yet. I was going to this summer but the COVID-19 pandemic might mean it will have to wait for the idiotic lockdowns to be lifted. I had successfully made a complaint about the Ukrainian priest who has been made aware that as a Melkite, I can attend his parish, participate in the liturgy at his parish, and receive sacraments at his parish. But since the Melkite parish is my home parish now, I think I'll stay there for a while.

And so my journey to the faith has seen egregious hypocrisy. I have been withheld from practicing a religion I believe and I have been shackled down by legalistic chains. I have also witnessed good men in the church who broke down these legalistic chains. Because I've witnessed both sides, it is difficult for me to conclude whether reflecting on my journey to the church is helpful or would simply lead to more temptations. I'll leave it to more temptations. But that also means that I have an incredible task ahead. I must forgive those who have harmed me. Those who have barred me and prohibited me. I can do that.