Why are the icons angry?

It was during Lent. I know I had a lot of baggage on me. That subdeaconess gave off an aura which just didn't agree with me. I don't know why she was liked by so many people and they seemed to blame me for my failure to like her in response. I just couldn't bring myself to talk to her. I had other sins that I had fallen back into since deciding to convert. I longed to have my confession heard but that was only for Christians. Sure, I go to Church regularly, but I don't decide whether to become a Christian. It's the Church that decides that. I might believe the doctrines but that doesn't make me a Christian. God makes you a Christian and if the Church allows you, you get to be one. But the Church was not allowing me.

I looked at the icon of Christ and saw a fierce scowl. Why does He scowl in anger at me? I know I've done a lot wrong but I've been trying to make it right. The Reader was in the nave at this time and I asked him why the icons are so angry. Why is this icon of Christ so furious? He said that it looked more expressionless, possibly stern as Christ the Teacher rather, to him. But the icons still looked angry, inflamed with rage toward me. I asked another lady why the icons were so furious. She said she never noticed the way they looked before. Have I not tried my best to serve God all my life yet when it comes to such exterior circumstances beyond my control He is to turn away in anger and hostility?

For a while, I tried to fix everything that was broken about me on my own thinking that it would earn His grace and yet still I remained on the outside of the Church. I didn't know what religion or faith I had held to when people asked such question of me. I went through the motions. I attended Church, I asked about becoming a Catholic numerous times, yet there seemed less and less of a benefit. I began to despair more severely and the anger in the icons remained. Have I not done everything in my power to change the situation? Do I not believe the right things? Do I not attend Church faithfully? Yet the reward appears for those who seem to desire it the least.

I hate talking about my conversion. It fills me with pride. I was ill-treated and pushed to the side. People aren't supposed to break into the Church. I worry often if I made demands of God. It was a time of confusion and often times, I am shocked I stuck it out so long. I ponder if the Church had shut itself down like it did last Spring before I was confirmed in the orthodox Catholic faith, should I even be a Christian at this point? I hesitate to say yes. The Church's officials have scandalized me so severely, I may have taken this as a sign from God that He desired me not. Are not conversions moments of joy? One goes from a worse state to a much better state, being filled with God's grace. Yet this conversion seems to have left me in perpetual doubt. How did I come to this faith suffering so much abuse from such an holy church?

I have fallen into much sin and temptations. I am stirred with anger and pride. How to humble myself? I ask for strength in my weakness. No. There were no demands made of God. You were left in delusion intentionally but look, you have been rescued. These abusers, these mockers, can do you no harm because you hold onto your baptismal garment. Those who pray for you faithfully, they are building up a store for you in Heaven. These are the ones you owe your devotion to. Your godmother, the Crazy Church Lady, who called you her godson when you thought you were distant. Your friend who prays so much for your godmother and for you and who will light candles for you. The Reader, now Priest, who shows godly humility. Presbytera spontaneously lit a candle for you just the other day. What other acts have you failed to see others doing for you?

As I came to give confession for the third time since my conversion, I looked to the icons. The expression of anger was gone. There stood I its place an expression of mercy, welcoming the sinner as he sought to return to the fold. Has this expression always been there? Maybe I was not looking in the right place for so long? But I have not seen the angry expression in the icons in quite a long time. I don't think I have seen this expression in the icons since that moment. They have presented me with mercy and grace. I was deluded to seeing this angry expression. Delusion came not from my control but without. With God's grace, I shall be delivered from this delusion and fly to the place He has prepared for me.

Glory to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit! Unto ages of ages, Amen.