Honor Your Father and Mother

St. Habakkuk's mother pleads for him to convert to
Islam to extend his earthly life.

That's not a question. There is no dispute about it. Our Lord even states that for those who do not honor their father and their mother, God has commanded that they be put to death (Matt. 15:4). But it is not so easily done for those whose parents are not even Christians. My parents made a bad decision. They bring this text up to me every time they see me depart further and further away from their decisions. Am I to follow them in their bad decision? Is that honoring my mother and father? Actually, it is a dishonor to my mother and father. The same Lord who said, "honor your father and mother" also said, "my mother and brothers are those who hear God's word and put it in practice." (Luke 8:21)

It is difficult for people to live with non-Catholic parents. Sometimes parents who can be overtly hostile to the Catholic faith. I discussed this once with a priest at my parish who converted from irreligion to the Catholic faith last Summer. We talked about how it is difficult for people to grasp sometimes that being a Catholic does not entail that one does not practice their faith in public discourse. Far from it. Public discourse is the very means by which the faith is practiced. It is where people can examine as to whether you are a hypocrite or not by your actions. When you are a Catholic, you have a spiritual mother and a spiritual father whom you heed. The Church becomes your mother. God adopts you as His son through baptism. St. Cyprian tells us that "He can no longer have God for his Father who has not the church for his mother." Our Lady, the Mother of Our Lord and the archetypal image of the Church, becomes our mother through the Church.

It must be noted, according to St. Symeon the New Theologian that, "[The enemy] often uses this one means, attachment to one's kinsfolk, like a lasso to drag them off." (The Discourses, VII.2) Many times people perceive family get-togethers as beneficial times to honor their parents but care must be guarded not to become attached to one's kinsfolk. This means that obedience must always be yielded to the Lord first and foremost. Obedience can never be yielded to the parents or to the kinsfolk for when the human authority that God has subjected you to is opposed to the spiritual life, one must oppose them as well. It is a difficult subject when people live with non-Christian family members and yet practice Christianity. One need not parental permission to go to Church and observe the Feast Days. One need not partake in blasphemous activities with Pagan or heretical relatives either. And Pagan and heretical kinsfolk may attempt to lure you inward. My godfather advises me that as long as they are not worshiping a dragon, I can partake in the things they do. Obviously, if my lesbian sister were to attempt to "marry", I would inform my kinsfolk that I will not attend nor give credence to such a blasphemous mockery of the sacrament.

For this reason, St. John Chrysostom tells us, "when parents oppose us in the spiritual life, we must not even know them, so when they do not hinder us, we ought to give them their due, and prefer them to others, because they gave birth to us, raised us, and endured a thousand sorrows for us." (Homilies on the Gospel of John, Homily 85) Our Lord in fact backs the Gold-mouthed Preacher on this and says, "Do not suppose I have come to bring peace but a sword. For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother...a man's enemies will be the members of his own household" (Matt. 10:34-36). Yes, there are times in the spiritual life where the members of your own household will oppose your spiritual development. It is wonderful when they assist your spiritual development, but when they do not, opposition to their will is owed. This is why I always hold my godparents in higher regard than my biological parents. For as long as my biological parents remain opposed to the Christian faith, there will be times when they oppose my spiritual growth.

St. Alphonsus de Liguori teaches us the precepts and the limitations of obedience that is owed to our parents.

"It must be here observed that the Apostle says, 'obey your parents in the Lord,' that is to say, in those things that are pleasing to the Lord, but not in those that are displease Him. If, for example, a mother were to command her son to steal, or to injure another, would he be obliged to obey? Certainly not....Again, St. Thomas teaches that children are not obliged to obey their parents when there is a question of the choice of a state of life." (St. Alphonsus de Liguori, The School of Christian Perfection, ch. 7)

In all obedience, we must ultimately obey God. As long as our biological parents instruct us to hold fast to morals in accordance with the Divine mandate, we may follow them and ought to follow them. But if they ever tell us to disregard the Faith for the sake of our lives or social standing, we must, with St. Habakkuk of Belgrade, say, "My mother, thank you for your milk, but for your counsel, I thank you not: a Serb is Christ's; he rejoices in death!"