The Badass Governor of Virginia

Official Seal for the Governor of Virginia

I think we have established something today with Governor Northam's new strain of House Arrest orders. He is super badass. Really badass. Absolutely sensational. That Governor Newsom guy in Cantifornia has nothing on him. Governor Commie-o over in New York? Weakling! They can only figure out a way to shutdown coronavirus for 17 hours. Northam? He can shut it down for 19 hours! 19 hours. That's an entire two hours longer!

Cooltrainer Gavin can stop the virus for
24 hours...but only for himself.

I always knew that guy could do much better than those piles of trash. No one knows exactly when this sharpshooting match between Governor Oakley and his friends started but it may trace all the way back to early 2019 when Governor Commie-o issued the challenge and said, "Any evil you can do, I can do better!" And New York put up pink colors to commemorate the fact that it legalized the murder of children up to 24 weeks in the womb. Governor Northam said, "Look at me! I can kill 'em off post-natal!" Some have wondered if it's not too late for Northam's mother to have an abortion on him.

Northam in his first medical mask.

Not to mention, Northam is a huge mask fanatic. Northam, a pediatrician by profession (which in Bizarro World means infanticidal maniac), knows how effective masks are. He started wearing one back when he studied at the Virginia Military Institute. Northam is so safe with masks as a doctor, his mask covers his whole face as to prevent himself from touching any part of it save for two cut-out holes for his eyes to see through. Well, I guess he's got one for his mouth too in case he needs to play the tuba. Northam is the safest governor of all with masks. He prefers to wear a white mask in the shape of a pointy hood. Virginians know this quite well about Northam. Did you know he still ended up being infected? As it turns out, you can be safe all you want and still get infected. Bummer. It's like we have no control of this virus.

Not spreading COVID-19. He's wearing a mask!

But never fear! We have it under control for 19 hours now! A whole damn 19 hours! Our Governor is like Super Northam for doing this. Unlike Cooltrainer Gavin over in Cantifornia and Governor Commie-o in New York, he has it under control longer. Only at midnight does this scientifically confirmed to be nocturnal virus spread. If we didn't have curfews, this nocturnal virus would prowl around hunting for unsuspecting victims. In fact, it's 100% likely from here on out that in Virginia all COVID-19 cases will be from people who unfortunately made it home only 1 minute after midnight. It will be sad to see so many stragglers dying of this horrible disease that they could have so easily avoided by heading home a whole 2 minutes earlier.

But admit it, we have a badass governor, don't we? Cooltrainer Gavin and Governor Commie-o can only stop it for 17 hours. Their poor denizens have to make it home by 10:00pm or the sinister COVID-19 which lurks the shadows will come out and pounce on his victims. Governor Northam, he can stop it until midnight. Shame that he can't stop it for an additional five hours. Maybe we'll bio-engineer a governor who can some day. Or maybe we'll just get a dumbass like Governor Northam.

Official logo of the United States Dumbasses