Confusion...

He stepped out into the world for the first time it seemed. It was a world he barely recognized. He smelled the air of the hot dog stand and the mustard as people munched on the wieners smacking sloppy ketchup-filled lips. He heard the screeching honks of the horns and the angry drivers cursing. He wasn't sure if this was a safe place but it beat his apartment where his neighbors would talk about him behind his back.

He waited patiently to cross the street, waiting for the walkman to turn white. He'd been down here many times but he still seemed a stranger to most of these people. They barely talked to him. To them, he was strange. To him, they were just mean. They seemed to talk in code all the time. He wished he could know what it was they were saying but they weren't very clear in what they meant. "It's uncanny valley territory today." What? Why say that when he'd been down this path before.

He proceeded on his way to the market. He needed bread, peanut butter, deli meat, and a few other things. He always preferred to make his sandwiches. They were an easy meal. They required little preparation. They were always easy to make and he could make so many of them at once. He felt like a master chef when he made his favorite grilled cheese sandwiches, always searching for the best ways to make the perfect cheese melt.

The noises today were getting to him though. People shouting. People shoving. Crowds blocking areas all throughout the supermarket. More people talking to him. Using the same coded language. "Cat got your tongue?" Do you see a cat here? A manager with a stern face came up to him and told him to leave. Why? I've been shopping here for years! This has to be a joke! The manager said he had glanced over at a woman making her feel uncomfortable. She doesn't look uncomfortable. He could see her wavering face, but he never learned of body language. That was more code to him. He'd been told he had difficulties with that in the past, but whenever given an example, he would try to make out what it meant and would never be told. To him, it meant that people didn't think it was important.

"Screw you!" he yelled at the manager. "I've been coming here for years! If you think she's uncomfortable, she could have told me that! Besides, I may have glanced awkwardly at her in one of the aisles but never meant anything by it! I can see perfectly. She never told me she was uncomfortable so if she told you, then she's frankly making up crap!"

He'd been used to it before. Accused of stalking women because of awkward interactions. Made to leave places because of confused interactions. He'd had enough of it. He was not going to lose anymore ground. Especially this supermarket that had been his territory for years. He hurriedly wandered away from the manager to avoid the false imprisonment that would come like it had so many times before. He obtained most of his intended groceries, rushed through the self-checkout, and ran home.

Same old at home. Neighbors leering at him, talking about him, he knew. Talking in code. They always did. Utter rubbish. They were trash. Finally, in the comfort of his apartment he could be. Another resentful day where he could never understand people. Why were they so mean to him?

Why I find tests like Myers-Briggs and the PI frustrating as a neurodivergent person...

We all have probably taken the Myers-Briggs or the PI at least once. If you're in the workforce or have applied for a job, you most certainly have taken the PI or a form of the PI. You may not have gotten your test results back because it's primarily for your employer to look at and evaluate to test where you may best belong, but that's irrelevant. Most people have probably at least heard of the Myers-Briggs and seen initials like IFNJ or something like that at least once. A conversation a few weeks ago made me really frustrated. I remember a while back, people talking about it and getting emotionally frustrated with the situation because I don't really know my own Myers-Briggs. I have tried to take it a few times and it's come up slightly different each time. Usually, it comes up introverted, but at least once, recently, it came up extroverted.

I wanted to delve into why that is. And I think one thing that is very difficult for a neurodivergent person about such tests is it puts our brains into a systematized box which is something that isn't actually helpful for us. By asking us about adjectives people would use to describe us, we may not necessarily think in terms of restricting these types of people usually whereas a neurotypical person might restrict the types of people. Or even if it's adjectives we would use to describe ourselves, our brains are not wired in such ways. I'm autistic so communication is not one of my specialties. For neurotypical people, communication works very well. I've had job coaches in the past who have helped me with the PI part of an application explaining what the test is actually "looking" for. It still doesn't make sense.

Let me just give an example of a typical question that a neurotypical person might be able to systematize but a neurodivergent person may not. "Do you get along well with others?" This type of question makes for an easy yes or no response from a neurotypical person. They can assess themselves and say "Yes I do!" or "No, I prefer to hang out by myself." For myself, as an autistic person, the answer isn't easy. Sometimes it might be a strong agreement because I enjoy being with other people and having quality conversations. But other times, I worry about what I may or may not say wrong. Or if someone says something facetious that I don't understand. Or I misread "body language". All of these things could happen. And so I might lean toward the strongly disagree position. And it wouldn't matter whether I'm extroverted or introverted, the test comes up wayward in both directions.

Sometimes I prefer to work on a team. It relaxes pressure during those moments. But then teammates can start bickering and the social interaction becomes overwhelming. All of these things imbalance neurodivergent people far more than they cause imbalance or distress to a neurotypical person. And it causes misreadings of more than just social interactions. Exactly how much to "mask" my neurodivergence is another difficulty I have. It can be frustrating.

As an autistic person, I also like to find an answer that's a solid "yes" or "no" but these tests also don't usually come with a solid "yes" or "no". Like in being asked adjectives people use to describe me, I may factor in what enemies have said which can be very unkind things. "Smart-alac" would be one word. "Sassy" is a word that's been used to describe me. But so have words such as "reliable" and "meticulous". It's a frustrating experience filtering out words and knowing what adjectives are best used. These are just some examples. Overall, I think there is a deeper problem.

For neurotypical people, mood swings are more natural and detectable and intrusive thoughts don't hit as hard as their brains are able to systematize things better. Neurodivergent people have much greater challenges. Our brains are not wired into a system. It can be a tangled mess. A fuse can blow at just about anytime. It doesn't mean we're something to be fearful of, it just means our brains are not in the alignment of a neurotypical assumption and these tests assume a neurotypical mindset. This makes these tests problematic. I can be an extrovert at times, but when I get overwhelmed, I want to go into a corner and become an introvert and only care about cats. For a neurotypical person, they know whether they are extroverted or introverted or whether they'll be able to deal with people or not. That doesn't come easily for a neurodivergent people. It feels like the wires in my brain are flickering and dancing, scrambled, jumbled, etc. These tests frustrate me...I wish I could belong in a more systematized structure, but I think a puzzle piece definitely more accurately describes my situation. 

Jo Cox and Charlier Kirk - a reflection...

The past couple days, I have had trauma triggered...as mentioned before, while I may have been more political in the past, I've become less and less political lately. And I didn't really become interested in political affairs in general until 2016 to begin with. But in 2016, I had a long-distance relationship with a woman in England. She got involved in politically campaigning for the "Bremain" position. When Jo Cox was brutally and senselessly murdered, I remembered just being in fear for her safety. She's my ex-girlfriend now but if you have unconditional love for someone, that love never fades away entirely and that fear at the time is still there. I had wanted her out of politics...not to mention, the campaign was exhausting to her and severed time to actually communicate with her. It's the feeling that someone you love may not be safe. For a lot of us, we may look at the assassination or the death of a celebrity as a one-off blip on the radar, but for others it hits close to home.

I had been reflecting on this a bit and noticed that progressive blogger Fred Clark wrote an article about what he learned from the murder of Jo Cox. I decided to read it thinking he had some reflections to make about how both of these events felt personal to him, but I gave up hope upon reading through the article. It's entirely a politicization of two human lives that were wrongly and senselessly taken from us now being used as political football. Though we tend to be simplified into right and left in this world, people are a lot more complicated, and the world is a lot more complicated, to define someone as being on a linear model. I think I might mention that when I end up writing a different reflection that's non-political next week. But Fred Clark seems to see the lack of rallying toward "Bremain" in the end as a reflection of non-empathy of the right and his overall understanding of human nature is completely lacking.

It's not like we go from shedding the stain of original sin by becoming "right-wing" or "left-wing". We are subjected to the tyranny of the Devil due to the sin of our first parents and can only be set free by Christ. A true and genuine encounter with Truth and with Love. Being a member of an earthly political party does not free us because Christ's Kingdom is not of this world (John 18:36). Adopting someone's politics does not indicate how empathetic we are toward someone either. Political assassinations didn't originate back in 2016, they've been a thing for quite a while and it doesn't matter what the earthly group is, as long as people are subjected to the tyranny of the Devil, some will confuse that tyranny as freedom, embrace it, and act out on it. Both the murderers of Jo Cox and Charlie Kirk acted out on that.

Another thing I should note is that a lot of people seem to think social media is a good indicator of where the world's at. Social media is nothing but a lot of anger amplified. It tends to be anger that gets likes, that gets praised, and that gets one's voice heard. It's awful, but it's true. As such, the wicked in all parties get amplified and we tend to think the other is out to get us. Common sense doesn't exist anymore. Moderation doesn't exist anymore. If someone doesn't support COVID lockdowns, it's not because they find the loss of freedom and interpersonal connection too great a price to pay for an unknown number of lives, if any, to save. It must be because they want everyone to die or they deny the reality of the virus. And so people are villainized for having entirely human concerns.

Empathy is not the same as sympathy and people who emphasize the need to show empathy often do not show any empathy whatsoever. Empathy is not about discarding rational thought and simply just agreeing with someone's politics. I never really paid any attention to Charlie Kirk to be honest and never knew Jo Cox. But the horror of losing a father of two kids or a mother of two kids, that's unfathomable. I'm fine not accepting and seeing eye-to-eye with these people on everything. That doesn't mean I lack empathy. Empathy is the ability to understand the sufferings of another from an outward position, namely that of not having the experience. Compassion is partaking in those sufferings and sympathy is having concern for another experiencing suffering. While I have not shared the experience of losing someone close to me due to political violence, I certainly shared the fear of losing someone I loved to political violence. Jo Cox was doing something similar to Charlie Kirk when she was murdered. She was going to hear from her constituents. Charlie Kirk, even if you didn't agree with his politics, introduced to academia methods of discourse and ways to build up stronger arguments for and against particular positions. I think that's important to remember. He was murdered trying to get kids of all political positions involved in a discussion.

Empathy does not mean I have to agree with you. Empathy is about sharing in another's emotional experience from an outward position. Empathy isn't something political. It's something human. It's something that flows from the image of God. Empathy is an act of love. It does not mean I have to share your beliefs if they are inconsistent with the image of God. Empathy does not discard rationality. I don't know if this is something that neurotypicals just don't get or if they just skirt over and don't have empathy in general - which is something odd because it is usually neurodivergents who are accused of lacking empathy. Empathy actually demands rationality in order to process and to provide necessary help. I grieve for Brendan Cox and I grieve for Erika Kirk. I grieve for them because we are one with the human race and two humans were brutally and senselessly murdered by people who hated their spouses' politics. That should not happen. While emotionally driven people would discard their viewpoints and use this to adopt to their views, that is not the same thing as empathy. That is conversion. My opinion is that I should only convert to a person's viewpoints if I believe them.

Political violence is horror and I am sorry for people like Fred Clark who cannot empathize with the brokenness of the human race and feel a need to score political talking points for their team. That goes back to what I talked about yesterday with our desire to dominate and displace God. I also am sorry for people who think the murder of Charlie Kirk should be used to have people come over to their side as if the "other guys" somehow plotted it. The rhetoric on both sides needs to calm down. While the neo-conservative media tends to dominate the discussion and tends to stoke the fire more, nobody ordered that Brexiteer to brutally murder Jo Cox and nobody ordered a sniper to fire at Charlie Kirk. These people made their own decisions and gave themselves over to a cult of demons.

The death of Charlier Kirk

Many of us truthfully don't know what to think about the events that have happened recently. Some of us are just in shock. It's not just a left-right thing. It's a spiritual problem. I'm much more reserved about politics lately. In the past, I was much more "right-leaning" and now have become much more eclectic in my political views to the point where I don't even belong to a solid right/left paradigm. While I still would favor the laissez-faire market economy for practical reasons, I'm much less firm in my commitment to a political system as systems are not the problem. The problem is a spiritual problem. It's easy for many people to see the recent killings as evidence of a problem solely with the left, but I think there is real caution for retaliation from the right. It's not so much that Charlie Kirk was a "racist, rape apologist, bigot, sexist, grifter, etc.". It's that Charlie Kirk was killed simply because someone didn't want him to be alive, possibly because he disagreed with his politics.

While there are often moral views at stake in politics, much of political debate has little to do with morals and much more to do with systems and what system is the best. This is why I can't do partisan politics anymore as I've done more so in the past. Regardless of what position I'm taking in a political discord, I would have to be lumped into a system favoring a party and an outcome in favor of one party over another. People have turned politics into a war for control over each other. This is why Charlie Kirk was killed. Awful accusations and comparisons to Nazism and racism or communism and anti-religiosity are how people try to "win" their side of the argument.

I had intended to write about something else today, but I think with Charlie Kirk's death, there is a certain heaviness that a lot of us are feeling and it has much more to do with the symbolic meaning of how he died. If he had died some other way or even accidentally, we wouldn't be feeling so heavy, but we would certainly be sad for his wife and kids. Instead, we are feeling emotionally heavy and we also have breaking hearts for his wife and kids because he was killed. And he was killed for merely have the "wrong" political views. And what this means to all of us is a fear of what will happen if we exercise our own First Amendment rights.

Freedom of speech and freedom of the free exercise of religious practices are two of the biggest guarantees against a totalitarian society in order to uphold man's search for meaning and truthfulness. While many Catholics have come to oppose freedom of speech and freedom of religion in favor of forcible conversion to Catholicism, that view has never been consistent with a charitable response to the Faith. There must be liberty without fear in the approach to God, filled with utmost awe and reverence for the wonder and beauty of God. Perfect love casts out fear whereas coercion creates and stirs up fear. Perfect love does not insist on its own way. Many of us are now living in fear. Living in fear because an America we once thought was for the law-abiding and provided free and civic discourse is now under attack.

Although the media tries to deflect the blame on Trump, the reality is that he's not the one behind this. He's not the one ordering the execution of Minnesota lawmakers. He's not the one who opened fire on kids as they prayed in church. He's not the one who took up the knife and stabbed a Ukrainian refugee to death. He's not the one who shot and killed Charlie Kirk. Trump is a symptom. Politicians never solve any of the real issues because then they wouldn't have anything to run on. The problem is a spiritual problem. People have lost a desire to pursue and search for truth and have filled that gap with a desire for dominance and control. To each, one must become his own lord. This is why demagogues are the nominees of the parties and it is why people break into factions over their preferred demagogue. He speaks their own values, he does what they want to have carried out, and he rules over their enemies with an iron fist.

It is the fantasization of controlling and dominating and lording it over others. And what does Jesus say of that? It is the Pagans who lord it over one another (Luke 22:25). In the meanwhile, Christendom makes the same mistake that ancient Israel did. We too beg for a king just like the other nations (1 Sam. 8:5). A ruler to lord it over and dominate the others. We reject God as our own King and turn toward the secular state to dominate. It is becoming impossible to be a Christian while also moving with the flow of Christendom. And it doesn't matter where I turn to these days. The spiritual vacuum is devoid of reason. Truly, only in the silence can God be found. Only in the silence, away from the hustle and bustle and busyness of this world can God be found. The world is suffering from a spiritual vacuum and a vacuum must be filled. Progressive ideology has done away with meaning by embracing the times. Conservatism has done away with meaning by conserving the old wineskins. In the vacuum, there is only "right and wrong" for the adherents of these ideologies. And that vacuum is to be fulfilled by mankind rebelling against his own Creator.

Christendom is in an open state of rebellion against God. Progressivism is in an open state of rebellion against God. How does one find hope? God is not in the earthquake. He isn't the fire. He isn't in the thunder. He is in the silence. The world is oppressed and is lashing out from the tyranny that it has subjected itself to. We dominate over each other. We choose violence. We choose our own way. People are killed. Charlie Kirk's death seems to many to be an ominous foreshadowing of a horror to come. While it's difficult to see the future, I don't think anyone's thinking soberly.